January 17, 2014

one year ago today: finding my way


            I don’t remember when I stopped painting my toenails for my fertility appointments, only thinking it felt oddly like I was in a relationship going stale and I was the bad girlfriend not doing my part to keep things exciting.  I also remember the nurse practitioner had lipstick on her teeth as she cooed at my empty uterus blipping on the screen, “Sometimes we just don’t understand these things, honey.  I’m sure you’ll find your way.”  We had been trying to get pregnant for four years at that point.  For me, finding my way was becoming a mother.  That was two years ago today.

Twelve weeks and one miracle adoption later, I was holding my newborn son.  I was a mother.  We were also a transracial family.

One year ago today, I looked into the sparkly eyes of my beautiful nine-month-old boy and said, “What are we supposed to do?”  My husband left for work again and there we sat, both crying in our tiny rocker wearing dirty PJs soured with spit up and heading into a day of counting down hours and doubting one another. Complete meals had stopped months ago—instead I grazed throughout the day, as time allowed, like a wild animal. I avoided calls from friends, and hoped neighbors didn’t notice my car rarely moved from its spot.    With splatters of baby food and nubs of mushy crackers, showering was futile. I didn’t even bother to remove the mounting pile of diapers from my front porch. I aimlessly bounced and swayed in my hallways praying for something, “Baby stop crying, time go faster, someone turn me into a mother.”  I wasn’t really even sure what I was praying for.  It seemed I was looking for my way again.  And perhaps, motherhood had found the wrong girl.

What I didn’t expect was that I had never felt more alone than I did at home with my new baby.  It was as if I was living life in one of those snow globes. My surroundings were beautiful, seemingly perfect, even.  I could see out, and people could look in on me, but no one could connect.  And here’s why:  I still felt empty inside.  I’d repeated the sweet Southern mantra “I just want to get married and have children” for as long as I could remember.  When the second part of that seemed it might never happen, I deemed it the cause of any feeling of sadness or emptiness inside.  But then, then… after all those years of trying and pain and feeling like a failed science experiment, my dream had finally come true.  The guilt I suffered when I still felt pangs of sadness or emptiness was almost unbearable.  Who wanted to hear me complain?  And after all those years of whining?  Because, as my mom said to me, tongue in cheek, one day as we heard my son waking from a jokingly short nap, “well, you finally got what you’ve always wanted!” 

Everywhere I looked, I saw new moms, smiling and cooing like Disney princesses visiting with little girls.  Giddy instagrams and Facebook posts and even real-life encounters had me convinced that I was just not mother material.  Because living in a magical kingdom, I was not.  Each day my husband would come home to me, a blubbering, sniveling mess, and he’d say, “You’re both alive! It was a great day here! Good job, baby.” I'd stare down at my sweet sleeping son, twirl one of his chocolate curls around my pinky and wonder if he would grow up and remember these days. “Giddy “was not even on our radar. 

I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for my Lolly.  She is my dearest friend and the one who finally said, “Amanda, sometimes it’s just hard.”  I remember crying and crying and asking her why she didn’t tell me all these horrible things about motherhood before I took the plunge.  “It’s awful!” I wailed.  “I don’t know what to do with him, and I’m so gross, and he cries, and I never sleep any more, and why would anyone have a baby to begin with?”  She just smiled in her beautiful, gracious way and reminded me that if people knew the gory details, no one would have babies.  “It’s worth it, and it gets easier every day” she assured me.  I remember not being quite convinced this was worth it at the time, even with my precious baby in tow.  I daily had the horrifying thought “this is why we couldn’t get pregnant.  I don’t have the mothering gene, or whatever.  It’s not supposed to feel this way.”

But, as time passed, I had a revelation.  Every time I felt sadness or loneliness, I began to recognize it as an emotion that did not necessarily have anything to do with being a mother. Perhaps it was the writer in me, aching to get back to my craft and take a break from washing bottles and bottoms.  Or the grown-up, fancy me who actually did enjoy showering, dressing up, and going to a lovely dinner with my husband.  Sometimes it was just standing in the sun and remembering what my dreams were when I was young and fearless, without a care in the world.  I had to get back to that place where I remembered all the parts of me I had forgotten about in the overwhelming, life-changing, alien, early days of motherhood. And it was in those very moments, my baby would look at me and laugh his musical giggle, and things just got easier. 

There is one line of thinking that “I was made to be a mother.”  And that just isn’t me.  I am a mother.  And, second to wife, it is by far the highest honor I have.  But I was made for so much more.  I have gifts and talents that God has given me and when I use those, I am a better mother because of it.  Once I shifted my perspective, the depression slowly faded away.  It’s okay if staying at home all day, every day with your babies is your greatest joy. It’s also okay if the thought of that makes you panic and start itching all over.  Just like we all have different strengths and talents, we also have very unique ways of mothering.   My mistake was trying to find my identity in this whole shebang. Motherhood isn’t my identity.  It’s a gift, a bonus, the miracle I never expected.  It has taken me a while, but we are getting into our groove as a family.

And I think I’m finding my way as a mother.


***Special thanks to Amy Lemley Bailey at http://birmingham.myscoop.us for inviting me to share!***

16 comments:

  1. I loved reading your blog! I found this on My Scoop and truly wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I related to so many of these "early feelings of motherhood" and in some ways still feel like I'm finding my way as a mother. :) I have a 17 month old little girl and live in Birmingham outside of Crestline if you ever need more Mommy friends! :)

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  2. This is truthfully beautiful. May God bless you as you are YOU in all areas of your life.

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  3. A very honest and beautiful post that I am sure will resonate with many in similar circumstances. Blessings to you and your wee one : )

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  4. Oh don't ever stop writing here! The other moms in the trenches need your candor.

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    1. Collette- THANK you for your encouragement! My goal for this year is to write, write, write!!

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  5. Love this, I too struggled to become a mother, and then struggled when I was with those same questions ... I love the point you make that "I am mother" but that is not my whole identity. I hope you keep writing in this space, too.

    Oh and just love your friend Lolly - I had a friend who took me aside when I was pregnant and said "I'm going to tell you the truth about how hard it is now, because no one told me" - so Lolly is pure gold

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  6. I discovered your writing after clicking over from a post by Ashley on The Handmade Home and I am in awe at your words. This post is so honest and sincere and definitely a blessing to new moms out there. While I am not yet married or having children, I can relate to the incredible change and relief that can come from a change in perspective, and I am sure one day these lessons I am learning through others will bless me as a new mother. Praying for you and your sweet baby this morning. Thank you so much for sharing your heart!

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  7. I feel as though I just read a blog post that I penned. (On my fictitious blog in my head!) Wow! After struggling with a miscarriage and finally getting pregnant, I thought my life was complete. My baby turned one on the day you published this ironically. It has taken me an entire year and a lot of prayer to realize that God DID intend for me to be a mother and that I am actually GOOD at it. I too was confused by all of the cooing moms who had endless energy and bright eyes. HA! All I had were lots of tears and thoughts of failure because motherhood wasn't what I pictured in my head. You are right though, when I look at her sleeping and pray over her each night it is all worth it...and it DOES get easier! Great post and maybe we all need a mommy date together. Molly, it sounds like we live close to each other. Maybe a stroll is in order. Keep up the great writing!

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  8. Really love this.

    (And I survived those heinous infertility appointments, too. Barely.)

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    1. Whew! I'm pretty certain if I went back to that office, part of my ever-loving-soul would be floating around there. Luckily, several of my bow close friends are there too, because, well, how do you do all that and not make some new friends??

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    2. That would be "now" close friends... Thank you (not) Siri

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  9. This is lovely. So raw and beautiful. I am on of those women who feels like "I was destined to be a mother" and I feel so fulfilled by having my little girl... but I completely recognize that this isn't all women's versions of motherhood, and I respect and admire (and am sometimes envious) of those with passions outside of motherhood that define them more strongly - or differently, I suppose, than motherhood. Because babies grow up, and being a wife and a friend is incredibly important too... and sometimes I think I get lost in my "giddy" motherhood role, and I forget those other things... and I need to remember them! And make them a priority too... Anyway... that was long and rambling... but I really just wanted to comment that I loved this. You seem like a beautifully imperfect mother - just like the rest of us beautifully imperfect mothers! And, my goodness, I completely remember the days (and still have the days!) of "at least we are both alive, and that is all I can say about today." Haha... Congratulations on your sweet baby, and I'm glad I found your writing through The Handmade Home :)

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  10. You are an amazing writer and I can't wait to see you as a mother. When is our date? We should've had 5 by now!!

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  11. I know exactly what your going through ! Hang in there mama , you will get through it:)..
    P.s I a ctually wrote a story about motherhood would LOVE if you submitted your post there! .

    Xoxo

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  12. Hey! Was just reading your blog after seeing the link in your Instagram profile which was AFTER the little man woke me up to eat a One Ounce Bottle. Really?! Haha I'm sure I'll be referencing this post more than once over the next several months! Also you posted this on the day we brought our son home and I became an "instant mom". After talking to other women it's good to know even moms with biological children feel this way too... It doesn't necessarily have to do with adoption. We need to hang out soon :)

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