to the waiting ones

Dear Mama who can’t get pregnant,

(You became a Mama the moment you began to dream of that little one in your heart. That is where life actually begins...)

I see you.  And I want to tell you something.  I know exactly how you feel.  I know the unbearable pain you’ve carried for months, years even, waiting for your baby.  My very heart beats with yours.

I know what it is to weep on the cold tile of the bathroom floor month after month; sobs wreaking havoc on your body until you vomit and then mourn some more.  And I also know about the numb feeling that slithers in after the pain is too much to carry.

I have hated my body for forsaking me and not doing the one thing I felt women were created to biologically do.  I have felt that I couldn't face another "tomorrow" more times than I'd like to admit.  I have felt broken more than I've felt whole. 

I’ve cried at baby showers.  To the mom-to-be.  In front of her mother.  While we were supposed to be praying for the baby.  So I really know about avoiding showers.  And maybe tearing up invitations and flushing them down the toilet. 

I've stayed in bed at holidays and "been sick" for babies' birthday parties.  I used to hide from my life which made me feel ashamed, which made me angry at myself, which started a downward spiral to the dark dark place.

I’ve been afraid.  Angry. Disappointed. Hopeless. Lifeless. Weak. Ashamed. Sick. Confused. Belittled. Enraged. Exhausted. Embarrassed.  Utterly, completely alone.

I’ve watched every single friend of mine (even the infertile ones) have a baby.  And then their second.  Now they are on round three.  Somewhere along the way I began to withdraw and life became very lonely and complicated for me.

There is something I want to tell you.  You are not alone.  As long as I am here, understanding you, we are in this together.  You are not being punished.  You are extravagantly loved by the creator of the Universe.  Even if you don’t believe in Him.  That’s ok.  You are still loved and accepted just the way you are.

The only thing you have to do is make it through today.  Me too.  We don’t have to figure out why, or when, or what steps to take. Don't even THINK about tomorrow!  What's tomorrow?  We just need to do today.  One of my favorite parts of the Bible says,

“Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.  Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

Let's hang on to this promise.  

Let’s just do today, friend.  Together.

*Matthew 6:34