July 22, 2013

8 things to stop saying to your adoptive friends


Preface to the Disclaimer for the List:

Allow me to introduce myself.  Hi, I am Pot and in a moment I will wag my finger and lovingly direct all you Kettles in a new direction.  Before Sugar Baby came home, I would sprint up to any baby of a brownish shade and begin to make a scene with the parents.  I would ooh and ahhh and usually pluck said baby right out of the terrified mother’s arms.  While bouncing her stranger-infant in my lap, I would go on and on about her adopted O-R-P-H-A-N.  “I just SOOOOO have a heart for BLACK babies and I have GOT to have one of these!” I'd gush as if he was a member of the Fall 2013 line of Coach handbags, not an actual human.  So, I get it. I’ve been there.  And that leads me to the disclaimer.

Disclaimer for the List:

I know that you love your friends and family who are adopting.  I also know that you have the best intentions and purest heart when you talk to them about the adoption process.  Please don’t think your interest is taken for granted.  Let’s be real, it’s a hard subject to broach.  Sometimes it’s like trying to answer the “do I look fat in these pants?” question.  Tricky, tricky.  You won’t always get it right.  But, I feel that there are a few repeat offenders that need to permanently come off your list.


The List

8.”Can I just ask how much he cost?” Can I just ask how much you make a year? Besides, if someone DID tell you that, you may have cause for worry.  It’s like this Oscar Wilde quote I love, “One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.”

7.”Now, you know to be very careful that the birth mom never finds you.  She may come try and take the baby in the middle of the night.”  People, this is not the Lifetime Movie Network.  Bring it on back to reality.  We just went through months, and lawyers, and thirteen trees of legal documents to make sure all parties were on the same page about this.  Adoption ghost stories? Not helpful.

6.”Are you afraid you won’t love it like you would a ‘real’ child?”  It is best to delete the word “real” from your vocabulary when talking adoption.  This is a real child.  The love for adopted babies is no different than the love for biological babies.  Obviously you mean biological, but your phrasing insinuates that we are welcoming Pinocchio into the family.  And, that’s just awkward.

5.”What happened to his ‘real’ mom?” Again with the “real”.  You can see where this proves to be a problem.  Once the baby comes home (well, actually before) we view ourselves as the “real” mom.  Also, if you whisper this, as if to infer the parents may have been killed, it is SUPER uncomfortable.

4.”Ethiopia or Uganda? No, don’t tell me…Sierra Leone?” Do NOT walk up to someone and begin to vomit names of countries in an effort to guess “where they got their baby”.  It’s not a game show; it’s a family! Control yourself!

3. “Are you worried he will grow up to hate you?”  Well, I wasn’t. But now that you bring it up…

2. “You know, God just didn’t want you to have babies so you could save the orphans! If a part of your sentence can easily be replaced with “save the whales!”, maybe you should reconsider. 

1. ”You know, as soon as you adopt, you’ll get pregnant!” If you take ANYTHING away from this post… stop saying this! I KNOW that your sister’s friend’s neighbor’s teacher’s realtor’s daughter’s third cousin twice removed did it TWICE last year AND that you know of 52 other documented cases in your county alone.  But really.  This doesn’t happen as often as you think.  Even if it does, if the mama you are talking to doesn’t get pregnant… your words could be hurtful. You are setting mothers up for disappointment they aren’t even expecting.  Unbeknownst to me, I was convinced in the back of my mind that after Shug came home, all our fertility issues would melt away and shazaam! We’d be pregnant! I had heard this well-meaning statement for so long that I allowed it to become my reality.  Be protective of your adoptive friends and family.  Don’t say this anymore; total urban legend.

WHAT YOU SHOULD START SAYING

Don't let this deter you from talking to your friends and family going through the process. (or total strangers... because let's be honest, I still do it!)  In fact, adoption can be a very lonely road and it is easy to feel forgotten.  My first suggestion is:
-When I want to check in with you, what's the best way for me to ask? (Win! Every time!)

Others to consider:
-How are things going? I'd love to hear anything you want to share with me about the adoption.
-I'd love to hear about your process so far and how you chose international/domestic adoption.
-I have heard adoption is so expensive.  I'm afraid I'd never be able to afford it.
-I have so many questions about adoption.  Do you think we could sit down over coffee one day and talk? 

Have you said any of the top 8?
Have you had any said to you?

48 comments:

  1. We have 6 biological and 2 adopted. I get a lot of "which ones are your real kids" (there's that real again), and "are they real siblings?" I hate those questions particularly because my adopted 2 are old enough to understand and those questions are painful to them. They are all my real kids and they are siblings now. And don't get me started on the many things people say about how many kids we have...lol!

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    1. Organized Chaos... I can only imagine the lists upon lists YOU could write! Bless you and your precious family. Thanks for visiting!

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  2. I want to jump up and down and say "Amen!" Great post! I get a lot of these questions as our daughter is adopted. My son, our second, is biological and I get a lot of which one is your "real" child. Makes me want to punch them! :)

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    2. Fran, I'm glad I'm not the only one who occaisionally wants to punch someone. I was starting to worry. So happy you commented

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    3. Could you get away with replying, "Why? Which one looks fake to you?!" I just don't understand someone asking that question. Children are a blessing, whether they were born from your womb or born from your heart!

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    4. I heard an excellent reply to this question...when asked, you just reply "You know, I just can't remember," and then change the subject. At this point most people will get the hint. :)

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  3. I wanted to jump up and say "Amen" upon reading this. Great post! And like the previous poster, I have a mix of biological vs. adopted children. I get the same comment: "which one is your 'real' child. Makes me want to punch someone!

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  4. I love this! We've just been blessed with our daughter joining our family three weeks ago (maybe 4....I have no idea what day it is today). I think I'm still in the shell-shocked phase of "did he/she just say what I think they said?!" I think I may just email your post to family and friends as a prerequisite to visiting us when we come home. :) I love your humor too, I needed the laugh. I found your post from a friend sharing it on Facebook, we live in Bham too. :) Your little sugar bear is precious!

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    1. Congratulations on your baby, heather! this is the material i would have printed and POSTED ON MY DOOR had it been available for me!! i hear ya!

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    2. People have also been saying to us "oh now you have one of each (a boy and a girl)!! That's so great, now y'all don't have to have any more kids!" it's sounds like they think we are collecting happy meal toys. "one of each" is not exactly our method for family planning. It's crazy what people say. I know people don't mean anything by it, but it's amazing how people don't think what they are saying is weird, when obviously it is.
      Our home study was written for a 0-8 year old boy and we were expecting him to be on e upper end of that range. So it was a Huge surprise when we got called about a 3 month old girl. So many of our family and friends said stuff like "what a relief you didn't get matched with an older child". We've had to explain ver and over again that we were completely comfortable (and even excited about) that possibility. It never ends really. Some people will always project their own life preferences on others. Thank goodness for family, friends, and community who just share encouragement and excitement no matter what. They balance out the people who don't think before they speak. :)

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  5. Ohhh I just loved this!!! I was just at a party where someone asked in front of a crowd of other people and within earshot of my 4 year old, do you mind telling me how much everything costed you? I said, actually, I do mind. She then launched into a story of her friend that Adopted within her family and exact figures of what her adoption expenses were! I was like, exactly why I didn't tell you!!! But of course she wants to adopt "someday". And I too have had all these other questions and have blogged about it myself, but somehow the right people never seem to read these!! Love love your blog!

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  6. My new response to the question goes a little something like this...
    them:"ummm, how much did HE cost?"
    me:"umm, how much do YOU weigh?"

    lock it up! works every time!

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  7. Great list! I'll add one- please don't compare my child to Brad and Angelina's child. Just because I have an Ethiopian child does NOT mean he knew Zahara. Or that he looks *just* like her. You know. Because he's a boy. And because (whispers) they don't all look alike.

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  8. Our adopted child is 31 & came to us at 3 days old. I married late & never expected to have a child despite my longings. When he was 8 WEEKS old, this 39 yr old mom found she was pregnant !
    It must have been heavy going at times, but I have no memories of anything remotely like that. God gave us 1 of each - we were so blessed. It doesn't matter which was which - they are both ours. I remember 1 terrible comment like it was yesterday. When she saw I was obviously pregnant, a woman asked me if I was going to take the other baby back !!!!! I love what an adoptive mom in my church said re her baby recently " I sometimes forget I didn't have her. " Mind you she was premie & they travelled far to do the whole NICU thing for a couple of months like any birth parents....

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    1. I have two brothers born 8 days apart. One was transplanted (adopted).
      My parents were in the process for my brother then found out they were pregnant!
      Letting go was not an issue, they had both of them and raised them as twins!
      My mom didn't think she could have any more children but I came much later because my brothers kept praying for a baby sister. I can imagine the kind of comments when they were little- a brown family with a fair skinned boy!
      I never noticed any difference, other than my (adopted) brother is fair skinned- they both behave like our dad-strong,wise and with a great sense of humor.
      When my dad passed, as the eldest son, my brother was strong for all of us - like a Yoruba prince that he is -
      Strong, like his dad, our dad....

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    2. I adore this story and the love I can just FEEL in your family!

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  9. Good stuff and we have had our son Biruk home since last November and have not been dropped any of the questions/comments as of yet that you listed above which is good, I guess and so thank you for preparing me with the answers ahead of time, thinking we should print this off on little note cards or something. I've been warned that people look at you funny when they hear a little dark skinned child call a white skinned person Mom or Dad but truly have not seen that just yet..can't see it but I am knocking on wood right now, sure it will happen but could be a good ice breaker..God will only know. Biruk is now 9 and is moving forward here in America and loving it. Challenges everyday though with understanding the famous american slang which you don't realize until you try to explain what 'what's up' actually means..thinking there needs to be a book on slang and how to explain.
    I do say this and I was and sometimes catch myself as one that ask what made you want to adopt, which I know God steers and we just hang on but what was that moment when you heard or felt God saying this is what I want you to do. I know we are all born to adopt as we are adopted but unfortunately the world we live in says turn away so it's cool to hear testimonies on when you heard not to turn away and run but turn toward and run.
    Thank you so much for this blog and keep loving as Jesus loves you!!

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    1. Love this, Mark and love your heart for The Lord! Congratulations on your son and blessings on your family!

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  10. Just found your blog and wanted to say, hello! I love your voice and will be back again soon. Thanks for these notes about adoption. Our friends are in the process of international adoption right now and held a fundraiser to help them get through the financial aspect (which seems huge!!), and honestly the $$$ thing was one thing I was very curious about because my husband and I have it on our hearts to adopt as well.

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  11. Amanda- it is so expensive, isn't it?? We had many questions as well. Until, that is, we saw our bill and then we lost our minds. ;)

    I'd love to hear more about your journey! Thanks so much for stopping by! Blessings!

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    1. I believe God always provides. It happens differently for folks. Some fell led to take out a loan, some do fundraising, some find grants and some due all 3 and more. God provided for us by giving my husband a Surprise new job with more pay, grants, and penny pinching. Don't know how he will provide for you but He will.

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  12. I saw my friend post this on FB and I had to reply with my thoughts... First of all--great post! If we can have a sense of humor while teaching positive adoption language, we may make some sticking points in our society!

    Yes, yes. We've experienced it all. 1 through 8. Number 4 cracked me up as people are so perplexed that our white daughter isn't from Russia because of the myth that white infant females in America are unheard of in terms of adoption. Absurd! When I explain that it's no different, male or female, black or white, children of every race and gender are adopted domestically every singe day, their mouths drop open. Usually, I still get the remark, "well, she must have cost more than the others, surely!" Heavens people! Really?! I just smile big and say, "I really don't know...my father paid it all. My Heavenly Father, that is." (He funds what He favors!)

    And for the love--what is up with people saying #1 to me ALL the time? The more we talk about adopting number two, the more people pile on the "oh, you'll come home with your next one and be just barely pregnant. They'll be raised like twins!" God is welcome to bring us this miraculous joy, but why people feel as though that is a helpful/hopeful comment, I'll never understand. Yes, it happens. Probably not as often as the hype makes you think it does. (And being in my mid-30's, this is becoming a more sticky thought for me. Would I want to be pregnant? Ultimately yes, but uh...not 10 years from now!)

    But still, I too, have thought it might have become my reality in our daughter's infant years; what I think that thought did was just hold me back from adopting again sooner.

    One question not on here that we get is: "why didn't her birth mom want her? Just look at her! She's beautiful!" (Relates possible to #5.) That has been said in earshot of my child at an accountable age, too. Ugh! My daughter's birthparents wanted her! Oh, they wanted her ... to have a bright future, a secure home, a home built on faith and values, an intact marriage with a committed, mature mommy and daddy. They wanted her to have wholeness and not brokenness. The wanted her ... to have their love for ALL her lifetime, which became their first very important parenting decision: to choose us to give those precious essentials to her, to teach her self-worth, to nurture what they felt unprepared to do for her themselves.

    Everyone has their soap box. This is mine: positive adoption language!

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  13. I have heard all 8! And a few choice others considering we have 2 biological children and one adopted (so far...). My skin is so much thicker than it used to be ;) This whole post made me laugh out loud!

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  14. As the adoptive father of 5 kids, I would agree that some of these come off as offensive but let us not be adoptive people on edge. Rather, let us be seasoned with grace and know that not everyone has been given our perspective yet. Let us be encouraging educators and not snarky in our offense. we personally have been asked very few of these questions, but I can imagine if I had been asked some of these then I may very well have been offended. However, consider that even though worded wrong or even if from a wrong heart, you have the opportunity to help and grow their understanding and if nothing less to tell your story.

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    1. Thanks Dan, I was going to comment until I saw your post. As parents of adopted children we represent not just ourselves but all adoptive parents and families. We always faced questions with grace, knowing that no mater what the question was it was an opportunity to witness about adoption. Father of five, three adopted, all real.

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  15. This mama of five adopted miracles is shouting YES and AMEN sister! After 13 years you would think I had heard it all, but every once in a while I still get a shocking question or comment. Now that my kids are older they are having to learn to deal with it because apparently no one teaches kids to mind their own business anymore. I had several friends growing up who had been adopted and the ONLY time we ever talked about it was when THEY brought it up! We just didn't think about or feel the need to ask personal questions.

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  16. Hello!

    We met y'all at the park and I was wondering if you wanted to have a play date! My baby was the one without the shoes, lol :)

    email me @ meredith.loper@gmail.com

    Best,
    Meredith & Wells

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  17. I could not love this more, and shared it all over. We just adopted our son, and we get all sorts of comments!

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  18. I love this. We are in teh 'waiting on the phone call for a match' part and its horrendous and scary. I cant sleep..think..ugh. And to add to the 'youll get pregnant when you adopt' I am infertile, so thats not gonna happen..and ive tried to have fundraisers and gotten this reply "If you cant afford adoption, how will you afford the baby??' No I dont see how were going to afford it. All I know is I have to try.
    I love this post. <3

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  19. Is it acceptable to say "omg YOUR baby is adorable!! I just want to eat him up!!" Cause ya know that pic....those cheeks I want them! Lol

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  20. Number 1 is SO on point. Seriously, if I have to hear it one more time, I might scream.

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  21. I just found your blog when directed from another blog and am now mildly obsessed. Like, it's 5:00 am and both my babies are sleeping and I can't go back to sleep kind of obsessed. I've loved every one if your posts so far. I think your rotten milk one will inspire me to do something I've been too terrified if doing for years. Thanks for giving me the needed courage.

    This post is such an interesting perspective for me. I am a birth mother and I love adoption! It such a crazy blessing for all involved-- the baby, those adopting, and those placing, like me. This post just makes me think that we should all censor or thoughts before we speak, right?! I hope I have never said any of these things. I kind of want to write a 8 things you should never say to a birth parent post-- top of the list would be telling them how wonderful it is of the adoptive parents, that they would take my baby...my mother-in-law said that! Crazy, right?!

    Well, I better stop writing so that I can go on and read the rest of your posts...

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    1. Lucy!! I would LOVE to hear your list of things not to say to birth moms! Thank you so much for visiting an commenting! Hope to hear from you again soon!!

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    2. We are adoptive parents who love our son's birthmom with all our hearts. Please write that post!!

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  22. When people said Comment #1 to me, I always said, "Gee, I sure hope I don't get pregnant! I have my heart set on adoption and that would really screw things up." And I MEANT it. Once I decided to adopt, that was the only way for me.

    You left out the "are they really brother and sister?" question, which in my opinion is the WORST. It's always asked in front of the kids and that makes them so uncomfortable. Next time someone asks me that I am going to ask them if their kids are really brother and sister. RUDE!

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  23. We are waiting for a birthmother match, and there have been a number of times we've heard "real" and the "you'll get pregnant" comments. In fact, one of the elderly men in our church told us he was praying for us to get pregnant. He means well, but it is very painful to hear.

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  24. YES!! To all 8! Thank you for writing this! I would add to this list comments about how lucky my son is, and implications that we are somehow saints for adopting. Um, we're the lucky ones. We get to spend our lives with him. And we are just ordinary parents who wanted more kids. No saints here!!

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  25. I could not even imagine being asked any of these but what an accurate list! I placed "my child" for adoption, and it's very open, he is still young (3) but when he sees a picture of me he knows my name, the parents call every now and again, we see each other around half a dozen times a year, and I cannot believe when they tell me the unintentionally, but rude questions they receive. Myself and the birth father are extremely fair skinned and so is the child, but the parents are both Spanish so darker skin, and I can't believe how many people ask them "aren't you worried that you adopted a very pale child when you have such a dark skin tone?".

    Also, I give 100% on this list from stories they've told me (seriously, what is wrong with people?!) but it's also surprising the questions myself and the childs parents get asked from people that are actively trying to adopt. We collectively go to speak at training for people wishing to adopt so they can hear our story and see the openness and ask questions. Now, I fully expect some awkward questions or ones that are difficult to answer (ie "If you have kids one day, do you think they and your birth child will be close?") but I feel like a lot of people looking to adopt, ask these very questions! With all of us there, a couple asked the parents "Would you trust the birth mother to babysit your child?" (If they do or don't, how inappropriate to ask that while I'm sitting right there!) and we've even been asked "Has the birth mom actually been to your house?" Answer being "Yes, multiple times" to which they reply, "Really? She knows exactly where you live? Have you ever felt uncomfortable with that?"

    My birth son is incredibly lucky to have such amazing REAL parents, they would never love their own flesh and blood any more than they love him, we have such an amazing bond and I am thankful far beyond I could ever explain that I found them. To everyone here that has adopted, I just want to say that whatever your reasons for choosing adoption, you have given your child/children such a gift, and on behalf of all birth parents, thank you thank you thank you for loving and caring for them so dearly!

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  26. You are stinking hysterical! I love how you write! We are just beginning our adoption journey, to find our missing piece to complete our family.... and because I am still so "green" I have much to learn before we are matched! ...looking forward to reading more about your adorable family and amazing story! ~Cheri

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  27. This is an eye opener on sensitivity.... I'll be careful not to blurt any of these out when I come visiting.... :)

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  28. HOLY HILARIOUS, BATMAN. Oh my golly, I'm dying right now. we are a biracial adoptive family as well & we have heard all of those. One specific question was put out there by someone in my family of,"well hopefully you won't get a crack baby!?" WOW, REALLY!? LOL I was completely annoyed by this. It's downright offensive to insinuate that all birthmoms are drug addict hookers is the epitome of ignorant. First of all, these mom's are women with a story & making the most difficult decision any parent can make...I'm speaking as a mom & Im not brave like these birthmoms. It's important that there is healing on all fronts. Good grief. And yes, the real word...it makes me laugh now, but the classic question of, "what do your real kids think of you adopting another kid." Well, I didn't ask them, but they've been hankering for a remote controlled car, so we thought we would get them a remote controlled sibling! Hooray! The other truth said above is absolute: we have to show grace. We are following the Calling that God gave us- He never said any of it will be easy, in fact it's agonizing. We are waiting for a match or a call to say, "Hey, we have a child waiting for mommy & daddy, when can you get here"...it's SO HARD! So, thank you for this post. Thank you for all the comments shared, it's been so good to laugh. I guess the one thing I have to remember as I look into the faces of each of my precious children is some will get it & some won't & it's okay, Jesus gave me grace to look past the ignorance. Can't get mad at the blind for not seeing, right?

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  29. SO good!!! Thank you so much for sharing this!! Do you mind if I link your article to end of our adoption announcement blog? :)

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    1. Man! Somehow this comment slipped by without me seeing it. Yes! Please link away!😘

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  30. Just found your blog - love your voice! Thank you for representing the adoption community with such humor and honesty!

    As a mother of 3 (2 adopted, 1 biological - yes, I actually was that mom who got pregnant right after adopting, thus the 2 littles are 9 months apart) I also have heard most of these. Plus, when I was pregnant, "how exciting you'll finally have one of your own!" "They are all my own" was always my immediate response, and I had to try so hard to say it with charity in my voice. Because - seriously - do people not hear how stupid they sound?

    My concern now is that our oldest will be starting to understand the comments. She has such a beautiful understanding of adoption, and our family has been blessed with 2 spectacular open adoptions. I cringe at the thought of her beautiful innocence (and real understanding of the *truth* of adoption, not the cultural misunderstanding) being affected. However, she's not exactly shy. So God probably has big plans for her in educating about adoption. People who say stupid things to her will probably get an earful from a little blue eyed cutie with freckles!

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