March 17, 2015

a letter to myself on the eve of infertility


Dear Amanda,

Tomorrow your life will change forever.  I wish I could protect you from everything you are about to experience, but in the strangest way, this will be the best thing that has ever happened to you. 
 
First thing’s first. 
Everything you think you know about getting pregnant? False. 
Your science classes, great aunts and MTV’s Teen Mom have failed you.  Lies…all lies.  I can’t tell you yet what DOES work, but I can give you a  few things that don’t. 
Take them off your list:
-“Just relax.”
-“Take a vacation!! “
-“Stop trying.  Everyone gets pregnant when they stop trying.”
-“Adopt.”
-“Lose weight/gain weight.”
-“Give up.  This is a sign that you aren’t meant to have children.” (heads up- the ones who say this one are nuts! Walk away.)
The people around you do not mean to be idiots.  Truly.  You will hear some of the worst advice imaginable in these next few years… but it’s only because no one knows what to do with you. You will hear the story of Abraham and Sarah on the regular.  You will yell and say terrible things about that particular story in the Bible.  Chances are, you won’t be 147 when you get pregnant, so try and let that one go.   Although you can’t see it now, your friends and family are hurting with you. Learn how to be gracious early on and save yourself one million tears.  And also- stop asking people what you should do.  Their ideas are terrible. Ask your doctor, talk to Matt… but step away from the masses.

The amount of weight and gray hair that comes with this process is a shock.  So, learn that you are beautiful.  It's important.

You don’t actually have a needle phobia.
The nurses don’t like wimps, so fake it til you make it. Before long they’ll know your name, and your best vein.  Your days of whining and passing out over a blood draw are long gone.  In time, you’ll be giving yourself shots in the stomach and losing half of your blood supply at every appointment without thinking twice.

Oh! You will lose your mind, yell at a nurse on the phone and file a complaint about her to “HR”.  You aren’t going to win her back over, so let that one go.  But don’t be “that girl” for long.

The nurses are YOUR PEOPLE!  Treat them well.  If they ever seem cold or unfriendly, it’s not about you.  They have an unbelievably stressful job.  Women are crazy to begin with.  Women pumped full of hormones trying to get pregnant? Psychotic.  These ladies see incredible pregnancy miracles, but they also walk families through inconceivable loss.  Just be sincere.  You’ve got a long road ahead, and some of these women will become friends for years to come.

Something about marriage
Sooner than you think, you and Matt will begin to feel like a science experiment gone wrong.  You will fight and cry and question every single thing…you will say terrible things and doubt each other and think this is one big mistake…you almost won’t make it through…but hold on to each other.  This thing can break you if you let it.  (but it doesn’t. trust me.)

Don’t hide.
Soon, most of your friends will become pregnant.  The majority of them started trying long after you.  You will watch them have their first, second and even third children as you wait.  Wait well.  Answer your phone, agree to a pedicure, or just let them come sit with you.  Infertility sucks.   Trying to do it by yourself is impossible. You have incredible people in your life. They can TAKE THIS! Learn to let them love you through the ugly. 

You are going to mess up.
Drop perfectionism quickly because you cannot IMAGINE the ways you’ll act.  You will be rude, insensitive, and distant.  You’ll miss important baby showers and christenings and birthday parties and do all the things you said you’d never do. It’s okay.  Grief is a monster and in time you’ll learn to separate your own sorrow from others’ joy. Forgive yourself, ask forgiveness and do better next time.

Hope.
Hear me say this.  You did NOT do anything wrong.  You are not being punished. God has not forgotten you.  Don’t compare your story to those around you, because you do have a story.  It reads like sci-fi horror right now, but it won’t always. 

Never give up, Amanda. Never.  You will announce that you don’t want kids after all, you will stop “trying”, but always hold a space in your heart for hope.

Pain is devastating and beautiful. And it makes people terribly uncomfortable. This thing you have is holy ground. Treat it that way.  Don’t let anyone in unless you are certain they can be trusted with your grief.  But soon you’ll see others stumbling around with your very same wound.  Take them in, share what you know… it eases the heartache.

I wish I could close this letter with, AND THEN YOU GET PREGNANT.  But you don’t. 
I don’t know what happens at the end of our story, but I know you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined.  I know that your story will help so many other women.  And I know that this is all worth it.

Amanda

35 comments:

  1. Wow. What a post. I'm in the middle of IVF right now, and have had numerous road block in the last 10 years on my journey to become a parent. I received some crazy news today that I'm still not sure how to take, but I just read this and I needed it. NEEDED. Thanks girl.

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  2. Amanda - Thank you so much for this post. Although I do not know you, I saw someone else link to this post. We are in the midst of our journey right now after experiencing an early loss late last year. Right now we're on hold due to some job uncertainties and it's been so emotionally difficult for my husband and I. Just hearing someone echo my thoughts and feelings means a lot and your advice is spot on (even if hard for me to do sometimes in practice). I'm trying to let go and trust God with this (and everything else) right now and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Bless you and your beautiful family. Families are made so many different ways and I know that no matter what happens, God has something equally beautiful in store for ours.

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    1. Oh, Evelyn. I know how you feel. Honestly. You are not alone, sister. Hold on for the rest of your story.
      xxx

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  3. Today, as I am navigating the highs and lows of infertility treatment, I just started searching online for some support....and happened to stumble onto your blog. I have read the whole blog this afternoon!

    And this post today, spoke directly to my heart. (I am still in awe I stumbled on this AND you wrote it today).

    Oh, and I live in Birmingham, too!

    For many months, this "unexplained infertility" diagnosis has felt like a death sentence.....it has zapped any "womanliness" out of my body. However lately, as I try to weed through all these emotions, I have opened up greatly to the idea of adoption. There is nothing more in this world that I want to see than my husband be a father.....I know he would be so good at it....and I want to be a parent with him so badly. We are ready for the blessing of a child, in whatever way that happens!

    Would you ever share your journey to adoption? I would LOVE to hear your thoughts and emotions on it. I loved reading all of your posts......you are such a great writer!

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    1. Caroline, I'm so glad you are here. Please stay. xxx

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  4. Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story!

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  5. This. Is. Everything. Thank you. Thank you to my sweet friend who sent it to me. And thank you to you. I read this with shaking hands and a heart overflowing with love for you. You're not alone.

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    1. Rhiannon- neither are you, sister. Neither are you...

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  6. Amanda, I remember being in bible study with you some 10 years ago (with Sherry, Jenny & others) looks like we've gone through some similar journeys of infertility & adoption over the years. Wish we'd kept in touch :) great post!

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    1. Jennifer! Of course I remember! Thanks for saying hi and bless your sweet family!

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  7. ...not sure if you initial comment actually went through (tech issues)...but if not --- I just want to say --- thank you so much for writing this! It has made my day..and was much needed!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, Ebony.

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  8. You, my friend, are a beautiful and wonderful woman. I am so glad that you are sharing posts like this. I see how it is helping those struggling with infertility, but know that you are also gently leading parents without that struggle toward kindness, openness and understanding. Thanks.

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    1. Oh, Elin... there is nothing in the world that blesses me more than to hear this! THANK YOU for taking the time to comment. It truly means so much!

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  9. Hi Amanda, I don't know you either but found this from a friend who shared... I can speak of our infertility journey in past tense now and I just want you to know of my prayers from someone who has been there. Your words are so wise. As someone who experienced easily getting pregnant + the challenges of very easily explained infertility (my husband had testicular cancer at age 27). my story is very different than yours but I can still pray with a bit of understanding and i definitely get the things you posted here!! If you're interested here is a link to the first part of the 5 posts I did to sum up our journey (after the fact). http://pinklaundry-kelli.blogspot.com/2012/10/our-ivf-journey-part-1-little-history.html Many blessings and prayers and hugs!

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  10. Back when IVF was in its infancy, we decided to adopt. After waiting nearly ten years, we received our beautiful daughter. Now a young woman, with a wonderful child of her own, we are beyond happy with our choice.
    Throughout your journey for a child please remember there are many roads to choose.
    Good luck and wishes for your hearts dream. Your child will be well worth the wait.

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    1. Susan, thank you for sharing. We have an adopted son who is an absolute miracle. I don't post adoption stories with infertility stories, though, because we didn't adopt him due to infertility. It's important for me to keep those separate. Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. And yes, aren't these babies worth every minute of waiting?

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  11. What a wonderful and heartfelt post! This is was exactly wanted I needed to see and read as my husband and I trudge through our own infertility journey. Your story is beautiful and so is your family. Thank you!

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    1. Sarah, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. WE CAN DO THIS!

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  12. This is beautiful and all too familiar. Thanks for being open and brave and vulnerable to a world where many just don't understand it. It can be a lonely road but it's way less lonely when you're open about it -- that's one thing I've learned. Have you ever read the book "God's Plan For Pregnancy" by Nerida Walker? I absolutely loved it. It changed how I pray and believe about getting pregnant and recommend it to anyone walking this road. Believing with you!

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    1. I can't wait to find this book! Thanks!

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  13. This post is exactly why I became a surrogate and decided to open my own surrogacy agency. The joy of helping people have a family is overwhelming! God bless you in your journey!

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    1. Amy- what an amazing heart and miraculous gift you give. I'm speechless. Really...

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    2. I am adopted so I know the infertility struggle firsthand from my parents. So it was just what I had to do!!! I would do this a million times over to allow someone the joy of having a child!!! God bless you and josh!

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  14. Amanda, thank you for articulating so much of what I went through in our 7 year journey to become parents which led to IVF and having a beautiful, healthy boy. I have done all I can to not make infertility taboo and to share my story with friends so that if they have to experience it (and I hope and pray they don't), they don't feel as alone as I did. I wish you health and happy tears as you continue on your journey.

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  15. Sivya- thanks for being here.

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  16. Thank you from a 9 year fertility survivor! We adopted two amazing sons and the first was born on St Patrick's Day! Same day this was written. Life moved on after that! Prayers for your journey and may it be a swift short story!

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  17. Thank you from a 9 year fertility survivor. All so true! We adopted 2 sons and life moved on. The first was born on St Patrick's Day, when this was written. 🍀 He's our true lucky charm. Prayers your journey is short and joy comes swiftly!

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  18. Stumbled up on your page on IG from that sweet ole LaRue gal! This is everything Amanda. Hugs! You are truly an inspiration!

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  19. I just sent this beautiful post to my friend. Thank you.

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  20. I never read blogs but a friend sent this to me and I am so thankful. We are going through secondary infertility and it is all consuming. Was not prepared for this heartache after having no trouble having our first child. I love being able to read this and relate to every single feeling.

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